PUDDLES (The Nice Duck & Friends)
or
THE DUCK WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHO HE WAS (OR DID HE?)
© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
If you would like me to stage this text, please contact the author: gavarreunam@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
· PUDDLES (The Nice Duck): A charismatic duck, a bit neurotic about his identity.
· THE SNOBBY DUCK (Antagonist): Thinks he owns the lagoon. Speaks like an entitled rich kid, using corporate or bureaucratic slang nonsense.
· THE ADVENTURER DUCK: Action hero type, wears a leather jacket and an eyepatch. Loyal helper but very exaggerated.
· THE WISE DUCK (Female): An older female duck who appears out of nowhere interrupting scenes. She has constant linguistic confusion (comical sound-alike words).
SCENE 1: THE ONION OF REALITY
(The stage is empty. Just one chair. PUDDLES enters. Looks at the audience, smiles, takes a deep breath.)
PUDDLES
Hi! I'm Puddles. I'm a nice duck. Look at my beak (touches it), look at my feathers... (shakes himself). I am real. I am here.
(Changes tone, gets serious)
Well, no. That’s a lie. I'm not a duck. Actually, I am Mr. [Actor's Real Name]. A respectable actor who pays taxes and has knee pain.
(Changes tone again, looks at the ceiling)
But wait... [Actor's Real Name] isn't real either. He is a character invented by a mysterious playwright named...
(Looks at the audience in panic)
And the worst part... Behind that actor guy, and the duck, there is a real flesh and bone person called... (The actor says their real actual name here)... Tatati tatata
(Grabs his head)
I'm like an onion! Duck, Actor, Tatati Tatata... Too many layers! I'm gonna faint!
(THE WISE DUCK enters crossing the stage. She carries a shopping bag and walks distractedly looking at the audience.)
WISE DUCK
Excuse me, young people... I'm looking for the box office. Have you bought your lockers? Your knockers? Your socks?
(She pauses, tongue-tied)
I mean... your tickets? I need to get in to see the prey... the clay... the play!
PUDDLES
Ma'am, the play already started. You are inside.
WISE DUCK
Oh! How efficient. Then I'll go to my heat... my feet... my seat. Excuse me.
(She exits the opposite side mumbling)
Darn rheumatism... magnetism... hypnotism...
PUDDLES
(Puzzled)
What a strange lady. Anyway, as I was saying... my GOAL in life is to fly away to the South Seas. Because it's cold here and my feet are freezing.
SCENE 2: THE MAGIC SPACE GAME
PUDDLES
But, where am I? This is a theatre. Which means, an empty space.
(Points to the floor)
Wooden floor. Boring. But the theatre has a trick: The Magic Word. If I say... "I AM IN THE JUNGLE!", you have to believe me.
(Closes eyes)
Jungle!
(Monkey sounds and roars made by himself).
See? Giant trees, vines... Ouch, a mosquito! (Slaps his own arm).
But ducks don't live in the jungle. Better... THE NORTH POLE!
(Hugs himself shivering)
Brrr... it's cold... Look, a polar bear eating a lemon popsicle.
(Shakes head)
No, too cold. Better... A LOVELY GARDEN!
(Relaxes. Points to nothingness)
There is a fountain. (Splashes imaginary water on his face). And there a little tree. As long as you imagine the fountain, the fountain exists!
(Sighs happily)
We have Space. Now we need Atmosphere.
(Shouts towards the technical booth or ceiling)
Master of lights! Give me romantic sunset lighting!
(The light changes, or he pretends it changes).
Adventure music!
(He hums epic music himself: Dun-dun-duuuun!).
SCENE 3: THE GOSSIP APPEARS (THE OPPONENT)
PUDDLES
Right, I have character, space, and atmosphere. Now I need SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. The gossip. The plot.
I want to go South, but for this to be fun, I need obstacles. You know, thunderstorms, bald eagles... Or even worse: an enemy.
(THE SNOBBY DUCK enters. Walks with nose in the air carrying a briefcase).
SNOBBY DUCK
Like, hello? Get off my runway, Puddles. You're totally blocking my vibe and throwing off the lagoon's feng shui.
PUDDLES
(To audience)
See? He is the Snobby Duck. If this were Little Red Riding Hood, he'd be the Wolf.
SNOBBY DUCK
Who are you talking to? You are so out. Look, you are not going to the South Seas. I played politics with the Goose Union and we canceled your flight visa. Nature is obsolete, darling. Do you have Form Z-400-Quack stamped by the Phantom Service Window?
(THE WISE DUCK enters interrupting, holding crumpled papers).
WISE DUCK
Hey guys, is this the line for the test?... the vest?... the pest?
(Looks at the Snobby Duck)
Sir, are you in charge of digestion... I mean congestion? No, management! I brought my berth certificate... I mean birth certificate.
SNOBBY DUCK
Ma'am, move it! I am in the middle of an extortion... I mean, a legal inspection. Go to window number 4!
WISE DUCK
Oh my, what an attitude. You need some camomile tea... or a hammer and a key... or a new knee.
(To the audience)
Nobody serves you well in this government. I'm going to the complaint department... the restraint department... the old window!
(She exits).
PUDDLES
See? Even the lady gets confused with your bureaucracy! Let's see, Snobby, do you know how to fill out line 45 section B of the form?
SNOBBY DUCK
(Nervous)
Umm... obviously. Section B is to... declare if you are a duck or a potential swan.
PUDDLES
Haha! Gotcha! Section B is for your feather type. Even you don't know how to fill it out! You are pure empty bureaucracy.
SNOBBY DUCK
Silence! I have the power and the briefcase. I'm going to my yacht club. Bye.
(Exits pushing Puddles).
SCENE 4: THE ADVENTURER (WHO SEEMS BAD BUT HELPS)
PUDDLES
(Comically crying)
Boo hoo! I'm gonna freeze! This is no longer an adventure, it's a Greek tragedy.
(Throws himself on the floor)
Oh, cruel fate!
(THE ADVENTURER DUCK enters. Dark glasses, leather jacket, eye patch. Tough attitude).
ADVENTURER DUCK
What's up, dude? Who’s making all that noise? You're scaring the fish.
PUDDLES
(Scared)
Yikes! The Adventurer Duck! Surely you came to turn me into soup!
ADVENTURER DUCK
Chill out, bro. I have a bad reputation, but I'm a cool guy. I just arrived from Pirate Duck Island.
PUDDLES
Really?
ADVENTURER DUCK
Totally! You don't know what I went through. I was surrounded by three hundred one-eyed hawks. I only had a toothpick and chewing gum. Bam! Bam! I did an aerial judo move on them, spun three times in the air, rescued the princess duck, and landed without messing up my hair.
PUDDLES
Wow! (To the audience) Look! He is my HELPER. He's the one who's gonna give me a hand.
(To the Adventurer Duck)
Hey, Snobby won't let me fly. He asks for impossible papers.
ADVENTURER DUCK
That guy is awful. But I'll help you. I know a shortcut through the Cactus Desert.
SCENE 5: CRAZY TIME (FUTURE AND PAST)
PUDDLES
The desert? But... I'm scared.
(THE WISE DUCK enters wearing sunglasses and fanning herself with a leaf).
WISE DUCK
Phew! It's hot in this desert... this dessert... this disconcert.
(Looks at the ducks)
I'm looking for some water. Do you know where there is a hose?... a rose?... a nose?
Ah, no! A palm tree! For the shade... the glade... the lemonade...
PUDDLES
Ma'am, we haven't reached the desert yet. We are in the theatre imagining it.
WISE DUCK
Oh yeah? No wonder there are no scorpions... Onions... minions. Well, I keep looking for my route... my boot... my loot!
(Exits walking fast).
PUDDLES
That lady appears everywhere. Well... (Gets mystical) My mind travels to the future... A vision!
(Dramatic red light)
I see myself... defeating the Snobby Duck... I am the King of the Lagoon!
SNOBBY DUCK
(Appears suddenly)
Hahahaha! Wake up, doll face! That is pure fantasy. I still have you grabbed by the neck. Keep dreaming!
(Disappears laughing).
PUDDLES
Oh, how horrible! Better go to the past... a MEMORY.
(Baby voice)
I remember when I was an egg... I tried to break the shell and BOOM! A squirrel confused me with a nut. What a difficult life!
ADVENTURER DUCK
Hey, tone down the drama, dude. Stop suffering the future and crying over the past. Get your act together in the HERE AND NOW!
PUDDLES
You're right. Let's face the Snobby Duck!
SCENE 6: BATTLE OF GENRES
(THE SNOBBY DUCK appears blocking the path).
SNOBBY DUCK
Stop right there. Nobody passes. This is a VIP zone.
PUDDLES
Let me pass! (To audience) How do we solve this? In what style?
ADVENTURER DUCK
Let's do it SOAP OPERA style!
(Puts hand on forehead, exaggerated)
Oh, Snobby! Why are you so cruel? Your heart is made of pumice stone!
SNOBBY DUCK
You wretched fowl! You will never defeat my bureaucracy!
PUDDLES
No, seems a bit weak. Better like an ACTION MOVIE!
(Does slow-motion karate moves)
Ya ka taka… Hi-ya hi-ya Hua-cha! Take my flying kick of justice! How do you like that, POPS?
SNOBBY DUCK
(Dodges slowly)
Your techniques are straight out of Duckburg, Puddles!
PUDDLES
What I do best: COMEDY! Let's see, Snobby... How do you intend to fly with that belly? You need two runways! When you step on the scale you need a crane!
SNOBBY DUCK
Hey! Well, your legs look like two drinking straws.
PUDDLES
They are duck legs, dummy...
SNOBBY DUCK
Get away, you bum! You are dirtying my Duck Armani suit!
PUDDLES
When your mom gave birth to you, she didn't lay an egg, she laid a Kinder Surprise... Surprise! It's empty!
SNOBBY DUCK
(Defeated, crying)
I'm telling my mommy! Arrrgggr… Arrrgggr…
(Runs away).
SCENE 7: THE OPEN ENDING (AND THE BONKERS ENDING)
PUDDLES
We did it! The path is free. Now, I'm ready to fly South.
But... wait. The theatre is magic because the AUDIENCE rules.
(THE WISE DUCK runs in, very agitated).
WISE DUCK
Stop! Wait! Don't close the curtain... the certain... the burton!
PUDDLES
Ma'am! We are already at the end. What are you looking for now?
WISE DUCK
I lost the thread... the bread... the head. No! I lost the ending.
How did the whole thing end? The story... the glory... the lorry?
Did the good guys win or the bad guys?
PUDDLES
We are voting. Let's see, audience. I give you options:
A) I go to the South Seas.
B) We all go to Italy to eat pizza.
(The kids shout. Let's assume Italy/Pizza wins).
PUDDLES
(Disappointed)
Pizza? Really? Hmm... I feel like the audience isn't being creative today.
(Looks at the Adventurer)
I'm vetoing their ending. I'm going to tell you what really happened. The "Director's Cut".
(Light change. Exaggerated romantic music).
PUDDLES
Actually... the Adventurer Duck and I looked into each other's eyes and realized we didn't want to travel... we wanted to love each other.
(The Adventurer approaches and holds his "wing" romantically).
ADVENTURER DUCK: You are the wind beneath my wings, bro.
PUDDLES
And the Snobby Duck... he had the most radical transformation.
(THE SNOBBY DUCK enters. Wears a headband, hippie clothes and smells a flower).
SNOBBY DUCK
Peace and love, brothers. I gave up my material possessions. I joined the sect of the "Ducks of Eternal Return" and now I'm going to explore outer space.
(Points to the sky)
Here comes my ride! It's a comet piloted by a billionaire duck who wants to colonize Mars. Let's go, Elon Duck!
WISE DUCK
Safe trip! Say hi to the Martians and bring me a fridge magnet!
(Puddles incites the audience to boo: "Boooo! Gross!").
PUDDLES
(Reacts to the boos, breaking the magic)
Oh, okay! Such temper! It was a joke! It was an "experimental phase"!
(To the audience)
You're right, that ending was awful! Forget the romance and the comet.
SNOBBY DUCK
(Takes off the hippie headband and recovers his posh posture)
Like, yeah, how embarrassing. I would never get on a rocket without business class.
PUDDLES
Back to the original plan. You win! We're going to Italy!
(Cheerful Italian tarantella music).
WISE DUCK
Italy? Perfect! I always wanted to see the Leaning Tower of Pizza... I mean Pisa.
Do they sell pepperoni pizza? Pony pizza? Baloney pizza?
PUDDLES
Pizza with whatever you want! Arrivederci, friends! Remember: it doesn't matter if you are a duck, an actor, or an onion... the important thing is to have fun.
ALL
(In unison)
QUACK! ¡Cui Cui! ¡Cui Cui! ¡Cui Cui!
(CURTAIN - OR FINAL BLACKOUT)
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