A One-Act Farce Comedy
CAST
HUGO (25): The "old soul" young man. Costume: Corduroy pants, a slightly oversized argyle sweater vest, round glasses, and a thick hardcover book he clutches like treasure.
TIFFANY: The insecure heiress. Costume: An excessively flashy designer outfit, impossible heels, blindingly shiny jewelry (probably fake or just too big), and a phone with a fluffy or diamond-encrusted case.
ROBIN: The guilty jock. Costume: Compression sportswear that highlights every muscle, a stopwatch around his neck, and a small towel on his shoulder. Always looks ready to start a marathon.
STEVE: The mechanic heartthrob. Costume: Tailored suit, crisp white shirt unbuttoned just enough, perfectly slicked-back hair. Looks like a luxury magazine model but talks like a car owner's manual.
MEADOW: A force of nature. Costume: "Boho-chic" style with lots of textures, earth tones, slightly messy hair, and a look that oscillates between confusion and fury.
MARCO (Voiceover): The chauffeur. Deep, calm voice with a hint of romantic irony.
SCENE
SETTING: The Café "The Tangle." Three small tables with two chairs each.
(As the curtain rises, HUGO is at Table 1 reading. MEADOW is at Table 2 glancing furiously at her watch. STEVE is at Table 3 looking at his phone with professional seriousness. TIFFANY enters talking loudly on her phone.)
TIFFANY: Daddy! No, this place is pathetic. There are people here wearing... cotton blends! Yes, I see him. He looks like a character from a novel nobody read. Send the helicopter, Daddy, I feel like poverty is airborne in here! (She sits opposite Hugo). Are you my date or are you here to appraise the furniture?
HUGO: (Without looking up) "True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future"... Seneca said that. (He looks at her) Hello, Meadow. I imagined you... less synthetic.
TIFFANY: (Indignant) I am Tiffany! And my handbag is made of something that is already extinct, so show some respect. Daddy! He called me organic fertilizer!
(At Table 2 and 3, MEADOW gets fed up and approaches STEVE.)
MEADOW: Hey, you. Hot, serious, and looking like you won't stand me up. Are you Hugo? The profile said you were a tender intellectual.
STEVE: (Stares at her intently, salivating slightly) I’m Steve. And if by "intellectual" you mean understanding the aerodynamics of a rear wing on a three-hundred-mile-an-hour straightaway... then yes. (With a smooth voice) You have very pure air intake, Meadow. I’m a virgin, you know? My engine has never gone past two thousand RPMs. I'm waiting for a driver who knows how to handle a stick shift... without burning the clutch.
MEADOW: (Fascinated) I don't know what a clutch is, but I like that you are "mint condition."
(ROBIN enters jogging. He stops short upon seeing HUGO with TIFFANY. He goes pale and approaches the table.)
ROBIN: Hugo! My... my best buddy. I came to see if you needed... technical assistance.
HUGO: Robin! What a relief. This is Tiffany. She owns a yacht but doesn't know what a Stoic is.
TIFFANY: (To Robin, practically jumping on him) Daddy, hang up! The stud has arrived! (To Robin) Hello, eye candy. Forget the bookworm. You and I need to talk about... gym investments. Look at those triceps! They have a higher market value than my savings account.
ROBIN: (Fleeing Tiffany's gaze, leans in toward Hugo) Hugo... I can't do it. I can't let this woman use you as an accessory. I've been pretending to be your "coach," but the truth is my heart rate only accelerates when you read poetry. Forget the date. Let’s go.
HUGO: Where to, Robin?
ROBIN: (With romantic intensity) To get a strawberry milkshake. But a real milkshake. One of those that are so thick you have to use all your lung capacity to suction it out. I want to share the straw with you, Hugo. I want our gazes to meet over the whipped cream while the outside world runs out of battery. A milkshake... for two.
TIFFANY: (In an aside, face twisted with envy) I don't believe it! I'm being traded for dairy! Me! I own stock in the companies that make the sugar for that milkshake! (Into the phone) Daddy! The athlete prefers lactose over my millions! It’s financial humiliation!
MEADOW: (Explodes) Enough drama! (To Robin) You are the guy from the profile picture! You're a liar! And you! (To Steve) Stop talking about carburetors and kiss me already!
STEVE: (Shouting) GREEN FLAG! THE TRACK IS OPEN!
THE FINAL CHASE
(Frenetic music blasts. Physical chaos begins.)
ROBIN: Run, Hugo! For our milkshake! (He grabs HUGO by the hand and they run between the tables).
MEADOW: Come back here, closeted jock! (Chases Robin holding a chair).
TIFFANY: (Chasing Meadow) Nobody upstages me! Daddy, send the tanks, I'm going to destroy this hippie!
STEVE: (Running behind everyone, making engine noises) Watch out for the understeer! Meadow, wait up, my radiator is overheating! Vroom, vroom!
(They do three laps around the stage. Hugo tries to read while running. Tiffany loses a designer shoe and yells: "My shoe costs more than your life, move!").
THE CLOSING
(Everyone ends up exhausted. HUGO and ROBIN are hugging in a corner.)
ROBIN: YES! I'LL SAY IT! I love this man and his boring books!
HUGO: And I love you, Robin. You are my favorite Greek athlete.
STEVE: (To Meadow, on his knees) Meadow... my engine has reached the finish line. Will you take me to the pit stop?
MEADOW: (Grabs him by the tie) Let’s go, Steve. But I’m warning you: in my house, the only one who speeds is me. (They exit, Steve making engine noises).
TIFFANY: (Alone, disheveled, looking at Hugo and Robin with envious contempt) Enjoy your cheap milkshake. I'm going to my mansion to buy an entire soccer team just to fan me with palm fronds. (Grabs phone desperately) MARCO!
VOICE OF MARCO: What is it now, Tiffany? Did you break a nail?
TIFFANY: Marco... forget protocol. Forget you’re the chauffeur. I spent the whole night looking for a man and I had him right in front of the steering wheel. Is it true what you said? That I "always win"?
VOICE OF MARCO: (Softly) Always, Tiffany. I'm out front. And today I'm not opening the passenger door for you... get in the front with me.
TIFFANY: (With a triumphant, crazy smile) I knew it! I knew it! Marco, drive fast, because tonight... I always win!
(TIFFANY runs off stage holding her phone high with a victory laugh.)
HUGO: Strawberry or vanilla, Robin?
ROBIN: Strawberry, Hugo. Always strawberry.
(They walk off toward the light as a race finish sound plays: Vroom, vroom!)
CURTAIN.
DIRECTOR’S NOTES
The Rhythm: The play should start with a grounded, everyday rhythm and accelerate gradually until the final chase becomes pure, high-speed slapstick farce.
The Space: Focused lighting is recommended. When a character has an "aside" or talks on the phone, the lights on the other tables should dim slightly to emphasize their comedic isolation.
The Tension: The comedy lies in the clash of energies: Hugo’s slowness vs. Tiffany’s hysteria, and Steve’s technical coldness vs. Meadow’s explosive nature.
Effects: Sound effects of revving engines, screeching tires, and frenetic mambo music are essential for the chase climax.
