I'll Buy You Greenland!
Black Comedy / Farce in One Act
BY BENJAMIN GAVARRE
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©BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA
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Synopsis: Four high-society heirs, as ridiculously wealthy as they are geographically illiterate, gather in a luxury 20th-floor penthouse to fight for global dominance over a vintage board of Monopoly. Between pretentious bids for "La France" and absurd claims that Cabo is somewhere near Alabama, the evening takes a delusional turn when the household staff—weary of the daily, subtle humiliations—decides to step in. Armed with a tray of "special" cookies baked with pure amnesia extract and hysterical laughter butter, the servants trigger a psychedelic daydream filled with vintage Pan Am jets and leaping platinum seals. A sharp, unapologetic black comedy about upper-class detachment, professional cynicism, and the fine art of a clean heist... executed with velvet gloves and ridiculous animal hats.
CHARACTERS
BEN (65s): Former professor, professional cynic. Heir to a fortune he already blew through, with a great capacity for laughing at himself. Attracted to anything that moves. Wears a plush green frog-ear headband.
ANNA (45s): The hostess. High-society inheritance squanderer. Her ultimate pride is a gargantuan ruby ring she keeps on. Ends up wearing a turtle hat.
ANDRÉ (25s): Absurdly handsome, ridiculously rich, spaced-out, and unshakeable. Utterly used to being The Object of Desire. Wears a toy captain's sailor hat.
SARA (70s): Old-money aristocrat in a fur coat. Spends her millions at bizarre auctions and stares into her hand mirror to block out time. Wears a cardboard giraffe hat.
FIONA (30s): The maid. Hypocritically coquettish with a brilliant criminal mastermind.
DONNY (35s): The server. Previously named Juan, the heirs now call him "Don-nee" with an exaggerated emphasis. Ironic, know-it-all, with absolutely zero respect for hierarchy.
ASSISTANT (15s): Silent teenager who slips in and out carrying trays and coordinating the heist's logistics.
The dining room of a luxury penthouse on the 20th floor. Dead center, a large table features a vintage Monopoly World Edition board, oversized glossy red plastic dice, bright fake toy bills, hotels, houses, and flashy plastic tokens of airplanes, yachts, and luxury cars.
ONE ACT
Scene 1
(ANNA elegantly shakes the dice and tosses them onto the board. SARA fixes her lipstick in her hand mirror. ANDRÉ stares blankly at his smartphone. BEN sips his scotch, offering a charming, cynical smile to the room. FIONA and DONNY watch intently from the corners.)
ANNA (Staring at the board)
Fabulous! La France. I'm buying it. Fiona, darling, take note that France now belongs to me.
(DONNY and FIONA exchange glances from the back, making an identical face of absolute disgust at Anna's forced, pseudo-French pronunciation).
BEN (Bursting into a laugh)
La France is an exquisite acquisition, Anna. Tell you what, I'll trade you for Greenland.
ANNA (Offended)
Don't be ridiculous! Greenland isn't even a country... You are completely misinformed.
BEN
Well, it's right here, look closely. Green-land...
SARA (Without letting go of her mirror)
I prefer Disney World. I'm buying Orlando.
ANDRÉ (Without looking up from his phone)
Sara... sweetie... Don't speak nonsense.
SARA (Still into her mirror)
I used to travel to Vegas all the time. Back in the day. I always flew Pan Am.
BEN (Nostalgic, smiling warmly at his memories)
Ah! Pan Am! What a marvelous way to travel. Now that was real elegance, just like La France...
ANDRÉ
Does anyone actually know where Paraguay is? My accountant always makes a joke about umbrellas from Paraguay... He swears it's hilarious. It's really not.
BEN
You probably just missed the punchline. I'll explain it to you sometime.
ANDRÉ (Snippy)
Please don't.
SARA
Paraguay is pure desert. It never rains. I have a tiny boutique hotel in Cabo. Down in Baja.
ANDRÉ
Cabo is in America, right? Somewhere near Alabama.
(DONNY winces in literal physical pain at the table's absolute ignorance. He interrupts loudly, smacking his silver tray).
DONNY
Ahem! It is Cabo San Lucas, it is Mexico, and yes, it is America... the continent! Oh, my head is starting to throb... It must be the sheer density of enlightenment in this room! Forgive me, what am I saying? I am clearly the uneducated one here!
ANNA (Glaring at Donny with utter disdain)
Don-nee, please. You are compensated to pour the spirits, not to share your psychological state. Back to the pantry.
DONNY (Making a grand, deeply sarcastic bow)
As you wish, Madame Janna. You know I am but a humble servant at your beck and call.
(He exits, holding the tray high with an air of infinite, mock dignity).
ANDRÉ
Don-nee is so wonderfully bohemian, he amuses me. Is Don-nee like... Donnie?
ANNA (As if it explains absolutely everything)
He's local.
SARA
I have a tiny boutique hotel in Cabo... Down in Baja.
Scene 2
(The Split Asides and the Amnesia Recipe)
(BEN rises from the table with his glass of scotch. Time subtly freezes for Anna, Sara, and André. DONNY and FIONA move through the background like stealthy felines. The ASSISTANT enters holding an empty tray. During this scene, they stealthily dress the frozen wealthy characters with their respective hats.)
Spotlight 1: The Cynical Romance
(A tight spotlight focuses on BEN, who steps forward to address the audience).
BEN (To the audience, in an aside)
What an utterly exquisite buffet of people. I'd happily spend a wild night with anyone at this table... but my true obsession, my absolute fixation, is young André. Look at him. One day, I will get that kiss.
(ANDRÉ breaks his freeze, but only to glare at Ben with profound annoyance).
ANDRÉ (In an aside, cutting)
Not in your wildest dreams, Ben. I heard you perfectly. You've been staring at me like I'm a French pastry for the last hour. That's highly inappropriate, you know. I am severely allergic to predatory retirees.
BEN (Smiling with pure cynicism)
Oh, please. You know you want me too.
ANDRÉ (Snapping back to his phone, freezing instantly)
Drop dead.
(Ben and André's light dims. BEN remains frozen with his green frog ears securely placed on his head).
Spotlight 2: The Criminal Kitchen (Retro TV Cooking Show Parody)
(A bright, retro TV-studio style light floods the downstage. DONNY and FIONA step into it. DONNY holds the silver tray up like a camera monitor, and FIONA beams a hyper-exaggerated, Stepford-wife daytime host smile directly at the audience).
FIONA (To the audience, in a crisp TV-host cadence)
Hello, homemakers! Welcome back to "Baking with the Help." Today, we have a foolproof recipe guaranteed to tenderize even the toughest old-money inheritances. Isn't that right, Don-nee?
DONNY (Holding the tray elegantly, matching her cheesy TV tone)
That's right, Fionita! For this lovely afternoon of Monopoly, we've selected a premier star ingredient: pure wild amnesia extract kneaded into a rich, hysterical laughter butter. Perfect for employers who don't know basic geography but can point out exactly where they store their rubies!
FIONA (Mimicking aggressive baking gestures)
We let it bake twenty stories high, dust it with a generous pinch of rich condescension... and voilà! In just under three minutes, the grand walk-in closet is entirely decluttered. Bon appétit!
(DONNY and FIONA burst into a stylized, theatrical, and malicious laugh that echoes through the dreamy atmosphere).
Scene 3
(The Infused Cookies and the Request)
(The scene snaps back to normal reality instantly. Time runs. All the wealthy characters are sitting up with their respective toy hats on, completely oblivious, maintaining their rigid aristocratic postures. DONNY enters carrying a silver tray piled high with golden, freshly baked cookies).
DONNY (In a sing-song, overly pleasant voice, offering the tray)
Cookies... delicious complimentary cookies... warm cookies...
ANNA (Blinking heavily, looking around, suddenly noticing the hats)
Wait... hold on a second... what is going on here? André, why are you wearing a captain's hat if you don't even know where the Atlantic Ocean is? And Sara? Is that giraffe thing supposed to be some sort of... statement?
SARA (Peering into her mirror, touching the cardboard giraffe ears with absolute nonchalance)
If you are trying to be malicious, Anna, you are wasting your breath. (Looks at Anna) What I find truly offensive is that you have absolutely nothing on your head. Literally and metaphorically, haha.
ANNA (Touching her hair, deeply insulted)
Excuse me?! I have nothing?! Don-nee! Fiona! Fetch me an ostrich hat this instant!
BEN (Adjusting his green frog ears, chuckling at Anna)
You've been a naughty girl, Anna. No ostrich for you. You get the turtle. (He drops a small toy turtle hat onto her head) Oh, cookies... Give me three, Don-nee.
SARA (Grabbing a cookie, taking a bite)
Oh, wow... these are absolutely heavenly. They taste like pure, decadent double-cream butter... delicious.
(The entire table gives in to the temptation simultaneously with a feral, impulsive greed. They snatch cookies off the tray, devouring them in seconds while DONNY and FIONA watch with crossed arms and smug, satisfied grins).
Scene 4
(The Hilarious Heist and the Expanded Delirium)
(Barely a few seconds pass before the chemical laughter and magical confusion of the cookies hit the table full force. Their faces melt into goofy, blissful smiles. Their voices become floating, airy, and almost melodic. DONNY and FIONA move in a synchronized choreography, stripping them of their jewelry while the wealthy slide into their happy little dreamworlds).
ANDRÉ (Letting out a silly giggle, pointing at the board)
Hey... haha... I know a really funny joke... There was this guy from Paraguay... haha... and he had a giant umbrella, Hahaha! Get it? Oh my god, I'm dying!
SARA (Giggle-snorting, staring blankly at the ceiling)
That is brilliant! An umbrella! The Paraguayan had an umbrella! Historic!
ANNA (Staring transfixed at the ceiling, swaying heavily)
Ah... I feel so wonderful... so entirely untethered... The chandeliers are floating, floating, floating... Look! A vintage Pan Am jet is flying right through the penthouse window!
BEN (Laughing ecstatically, slouching in his chair)
Pan Am! I bought it! I bought the entire fleet using my pink Greenland Monopoly bills! I'm buying you out of Greenland entirely, Anna!
ANDRÉ (Eyes half-closed, as FIONA gently unclasps his heavy platinum watch)
But Ben... you silly old man... Pan Am doesn't exist anymore... it went bankrupt when my grandfather was a toddler...
ANNA (Shouting with floating joy, completely ignoring her disappearing rings)
Of course they exist! I can see them! They're circling right above the dining table... Oh look, there's a little Boeing parked inside my champagne flute! Wave to the pilot, everyone! (She claps weakly at the air).
(DONNY smoothly slips the massive ruby ring off Anna's finger. She just smiles at him dreamily).
SARA (Clutching her hand mirror like a teddy bear)
And the seals... do you see the platinum seals leaping all over the game board? One just took a massive bite out of France... hahaha! France belongs to a seal!
ANDRÉ (Suppresing a massive laugh, staring at his bare wrist)
Leaping seals... yes... they're taking my watch away... seals are so incredibly sophisticated... they have hands like silk...
BEN (His frog ears totally crooked, reaching out toward Donny while he effortlessly empties Ben's pockets)
To hell with the seals and the untouchable youth! I'm staying with Donny! Donny! Do a striptease for us... take off that rigid uniform, Don-nyyy... Don-nyyy...
ANNA (Weakly waving her empty fingers, on the verge of blissful unconsciousness)
Yes! A striptease from the local boy! Donny-boy, Donny-boy, show us your little physique, Donny-boy! Hahaha!
SARA (Slowly closing her eyes with a massive ear-to-ear grin)
Completely... agree... off with the uniform... take it off-ff...
(They all chant weakly in a musical, drug-induced trance: "Take it off... Pan Am... the seals... Greenland...". One by one, they peacefully pass out over the Monopoly board. ANNA drops her head onto the table, BEN's arms go limp, SARA sighs into total immobility, and ANDRÉ gives one final elegant nod before sliding into a deep, beautiful sleep. They are all dead to the world, wearing their ridiculous toy hats).
(DONNY, FIONA, and the ASSISTANT pack the heavy canvas duffel bags with the jewelry and the stacks of real hundred-dollar bills taken from the table. The penthouse falls back into a quiet stillness, broken only by subtle, aristocratic snoring).
DONNY (Looking down at Ben with an ironic smile, straightening his vest)
My deepest apologies, Professor Ben. The uniform is coming off, just not in this country. Come on, team. We're going on an international tour.
FIONA (Blowing a final kiss toward André)
Bermuda, here we come!
(The trio of servants turns on their heels and exits the penthouse with absolute poise, closing the door with a soft, definitive click. A tight spotlight centers on the four wealthy elite, resting happily and completely cleaned out, wearing their animal and sailor hats over the Monopoly World Edition).
BLACKOUT
