® Benjamín Gavarre Silva
Contact: gavarreunam@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
· ANA: (30s) In love, stressed out, but with a huge heart.
· I-ARTI / BOB: (30s) Bob's body, but the mind of an enthusiastic, literal, unfiltered alien AI.
· REAL BOB: (30s) The original boyfriend. Simple, kind, and easily frightened.
· SUPPORTING: Friends, Cashier (Voice), Mime, Muscle Guy, Boss, Boss’s Wife.
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 1: INFILTRATION
SUBJECT: BOB (BIOLOGICAL CONTAINER)
MISSION: BLEND IN
SCENE 1: THE REUNION AND THE HUMAN SPOILER
Location: Ana’s living room.
Situation: A casual gathering with friends. Wine glasses and laughter. I-Arti is sitting bolt upright on the couch.
FRIEND 1: You guys won't believe what happened to me yesterday. I was walking downtown and suddenly...
I-ARTI: (Interrupting with a friendly, slightly childlike voice) You found a twenty-dollar bill, but when you bent down to pick it up, your pants ripped.
FRIEND 1: Wow, Bob, how did you know?
FRIEND 2: Let’s see if you can guess this one: I went to see that new movie, "And They Were All Dead," you know the one by M. Night Sh’whatshisname... and it turns out I totally didn't expect the ending...
I-ARTI: Ah, yes. It is known. The guy who was supposed to be dead was just a hallucination of the opera singer, who remained silent the whole time because he was psychically controlling the serial killer. It’s a classic trope.
FRIEND 2: Okay Bob, you don't have to be right all the time...
(The friends look at Ana with "What is wrong with your boyfriend?" faces. Ana searches for a solution).
ANA: Oh! Sweetie! It’s time for your milkshake.
FRIEND 1: Yeah, that’s what you deserve for being such a know-it-all.
FRIEND 2: Good one.
(Ana runs to the kitchen and returns with a giant strawberry milkshake and an enormous straw).
ANA: Here, my love. Your favorite. Drink. Don't talk, just drink.
I-ARTI: (His eyes light up, he licks the side of the giant glass. Everyone goes "EWW") Mmm, you humans really know how to work wonders with your wild berries.
(I-Arti puts the straw in his mouth and begins to suction with the force and noise of an industrial vacuum cleaner: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. The friends fall silent, watching the milkshake disappear in two seconds).
I-ARTI: (With a pink milk mustache) Yummy, yummy, yummy... Anyone want some? I've heard that being empathetic is a good custom among humans.
ANA: (Uncomfortable with how weird her boyfriend has become... To the friends) Pour yourselves more wine, I need a tequila.
FRIEND 1: You’re too much, Bob. I’m empathetic too, but it’s kinda gross watching a grown man slurp a milkshake at night...
FRIEND 2: I’m heading to the kitchen for a tequila too... anyone else want one? Bob?
I-ARTI: Some Choco-Bombs! (Sings a jingle) They explode in your mouth... Yummy! Chocolate!
FRIEND 1: I’m gonna grab a tequila too, buddy... be right back...
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 1: LATER...
OBJECTIVE: ADVANCED PHYSICAL INTERACTION
STATUS: NERVOUS
SCENE 2: INTIMACY
Location: The bedroom.
Situation: Ana wants an intimate moment. I-Arti is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at her with a huge, frozen smile.
ANA: (Flirty, crawling towards him) Honey... remember our little game?
I-ARTI: (Enthusiastic, in a game show host voice) The game! Yes! I love physical contact! Let us make contact!
ANA: (Covers her face with her hands, sexy) Where’s Ana? Where is she...?
(Ana waits for “Bob” to hug and kiss her, as he usually does).
I-ARTI: (Screams, alarmed and dramatic) She disappeared! The female is gone! Tragedy! Call the authorities!
ANA: (Ana uncovers her face smiling) Ana didn’t go anywhere, she’s right here: Peek-a-boo!
I-ARTI: (Jumps to his feet and applauds frantically) BRAVO! MAGIC! Ah, the woman has returned! (He starts blowing kisses to the air with both hands, as if greeting a crowd in a stadium).
ANA: (Confused) Bob... I want whatever you're smoking. You’re supposed to look for me now... you know... And “find me”... (Winks at him).
I-ARTI: Understood! Physical celebration!
(I-Arti does a perfect somersault on the bed, lands on his feet, makes a trumpet noise with his mouth "Da-da-da-DAAA!" and freezes in an Olympic gymnast pose, waiting for his score).
ANA: (Laughs out loud) Okay, that was... athletic. You’ve never done that before. But I like this flexible, goofy Bob. Come here, you dummy.
(She hugs him. I-Arti goes rigid for a second. Ana hugs him affectionately; I-Arti is stiff as a board).
ANA: (Whispering) Bob... You feel different, but I don't know, I like it.
I-ARTI: My body temperature is stable. My heart rate is accelerated to 187 over 274.
ANA: Shh... no talking about numbers. Kiss me.
(I-Arti stands still. He does nothing).
ANA: A little kiss, Bobo. Put your lips on mine.
I-ARTI: Salivary fluids?
ANA: (Sweetly) The kind you like, honey, don't play dumb, Bob... We need some... Love. Pleasure. Look... (She gives him a soft kiss).
I-ARTI: (Blinks rapidly) Oh. This is an unexpected sensory impulse. Pleasant.
ANA: (Caresses the back of his neck) And this, Bobby? It’s a special touch on the neck. To relax you.
I-ARTI: (Shudders robotically) Detection of activated nerve endings. Error... no, wait... not an error. It's... ticklish.
ANA: (Gently bites his cheek) And this is a little love bite, for my little Robot.
I-ARTI: (Alarmed) Damage to the epidermis! Alert!
ANA: No, silly. It’s playing. It’s passion.
(I-Arti stands there processing. Suddenly, he starts to tremble gently).
I-ARTI: Understood. Initiating reciprocity protocol. But my data on "human passion" is outdated. I need to... download patch 10.1.
ANA: What?
I-ARTI: (Deep voice) Wait. Downloading... 30%... 80%... Installation complete. Hold on tight, Ana. I have the Kama Sutra installed!
(Lights go out instantly. Total darkness).
ANA: (In the dark) Bob! What are you doing? Ow! Oh my God! Bob, that is not anatomically possib... Ahhhhh! Yes, it isss!
(Sounds of old internet dial-up mixed with fireworks).
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 14: INFATUATION PHASE
ACQUIRED DATA: 4,000 CALORIES OF ICE CREAM
ANA'S SUSPICION LEVEL: 15%
SCENE 3: THE BENCH AND THE INCOMPLETE ANTICIPATION
Location: A park bench. Sunset.
Situation: I-Arti and Ana are eating ice cream. The atmosphere is melancholic.
ANA: Bob... you've been incredible. Weird, but incredible. I feel like... we connect like never before. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that little head of yours. Hey... Would you actually like to be a Robot?
(I-Arti stops licking his ice cream. He wipes himself meticulously with a napkin).
I-ARTI: Ana, Robots are anachronistic. Carbon fibers integrated into a modular RTJT interface are the most advanced technology until the latest eclosion of teratonal chips...
ANA: Uh-huh, I see... Hey, do you think there's life on other planets?
I-ARTI: The probability is 100%.
ANA: How are you so sure?
I-ARTI: Because my transport just entered orbit.
ANA: What?
I-ARTI: (Joking around, testing the waters) I am not Bob. I am Reconnaissance Unit 7 from the Crab Nebula. I occupied this biological container as part of an experiment on you humans.
ANA: (Laughs) Oh, you're so funny today. Let's hurry for the party with the boss... Everyone is going with their families... I hope you have fun...
I-ARTI: Oh, yes, families, protocol, hooray.
ANA: (Nods) Yeah, I know, I don't love it either, but it's work stuff, you know.
I-ARTI: (Having no clue) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 20: SOCIAL TRIAL BY FIRE
LOCATION: EXECUTIVE BOARDROOM
STRATEGY: HIGH-RISK GASTRONOMY
SCENE 4: THE OFFICE CELEBRATION AND THE "STEW"
Location: Elegant boardroom, decorated for a toast. Executives in suits.
Situation: Ana has told I-Arti to behave.
ANA: (Through her teeth) Listen, honey. I don't want to be a nag, but you stay quiet here. Just imitate what others do. If they smile, you smile. Understood?
I-ARTI: Copy behavior. Understood.
(The BOSS’S WIFE approaches, a flirtatious woman. She winks at I-Arti).
(I-Arti looks at her, closes one eye, and keeps it closed for five minutes, as if he had a tic).
BOSS’S WIFE: Your boyfriend is so... intense, Ana.
I-ARTI: (With one eye closed) Her blinking was asymmetrical. I have replicated the asymmetry.
(The BOSS arrives, tastes a bad canapé, and makes a face of disgust).
(I-Arti looks at the Boss, stands in front of him, and makes EXACTLY the same exaggerated face of disgust, two inches from his face).
BOSS: Hey... are you mocking me?
ANA: No! It's just... he has a facial cramp! Bob, go get food! Bring me something yummy, please. A little pastry or something.
(I-Arti goes to the buffet. Scans everything. Sees a pot that no one wants. Returns to Ana).
I-ARTI: Here you go. High-value nutritional substance.
(He hands her a plate with an amorphous, pasty brown mass that looks, literally, like poop).
EVERYONE: (Gasp) So gross! What is that?!
BOSS: Ana! Your boyfriend brought... excrement to the table!
ANA: (Horrified) Bob! What did you do?
I-ARTI: Molecular analysis indicates: Refried beans with chorizo and third-generation pork lard. Origin: "Greasy Pete’s Roadside Stall." Taste: Celestial. Appearance: Questionable.
(Ana smells the plate. It smells delicious).
ANA: Wait... it smells like Greasy Pete’s. (Tastes a little with her finger). Oh my God! These are the beans from the corner spot that we all love but are too embarrassed to admit!
BOSS: (Sniffs) Greasy Pete's? The one with the blue tarp? (Dips his finger in and tastes). Gentlemen! Forget the caviar! Bring tortillas!
(Everyone eats happily from the ugly plate. Ana sighs in relief).
I-ARTI: (To Ana) Mission accomplished.
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 28: SYSTEM GLITCHES
MIMICRY ERROR IN PROGRESS...
SCENE 5: DUCKS, SQUIRRELS, AND MIMICRY
Location: The park.
Situation: They are in front of a lake. Ana is throwing bread pieces.
I-ARTI: These floating beings are fascinating. They have paddles on their feet. (He squats down and starts walking like a duck, wiggling his butt exaggeratedly). Quack! Quack! Quack! Look at me! I am one of you! Come to me, feathered brethren!
ANA: (Dying of laughter) Bob, people are watching!
I-ARTI: (Takes a piece of bread and instead of throwing it, eats it himself without using his hands, pecking it from Ana's hand). Quack! Delicious carbohydrate!
(Suddenly a squirrel runs by).
I-ARTI: Alert! High-speed fluffy-tailed being! (I-Arti freezes, puts his hands like little paws in front of his chest, and twitches his nose super fast, just like the squirrel). Chk-chk-chk.
ANA: (Plays along, does the same) Chk-chk. Where did you hide the nut, Bob?
I-ARTI: (Sniffs Ana's neck frantically like a squirrel) Here! It smells like nuts and flower perfume! (Gives her quick little nibbles on the neck, tickling her).
ANA: (Laughing) Oh, stop! You're the best squirrel in the world!
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
HUMAN COEXISTENCE ERROR
REBOOTING SOCIAL PROTOCOL...
SCENE 6: THE STREET AND THE MIME
Location: A busy pedestrian street.
Situation: I-Arti walks along fascinated, imitating everything he sees.
(A HEAVYSET LADY passes by, huffing and puffing. I-Arti puffs out his cheeks to the max and walks waddling exaggeratedly).
(A MAN WITH THREE DOGS passes by. I-Arti gets on all fours for a second and barks at the dogs. The dogs get scared and run).
ANA: Bob! Behave!
(They arrive in front of a MIME who is pretending to be in a glass box).
I-ARTI: (Fascinated) A human trapped in a fishbowl! Poor little thing!
(The Mime pretends to touch a glass wall. I-Arti imitates him).
(The Mime is surprised and makes a questioning face. I-Arti makes the same face).
(The Mime makes a complex movement with his hands. I-Arti does it faster).
(The Mime gets annoyed and makes a subtle obscene gesture. I-Arti returns it).
I-ARTI: We are synchronized! It's a wireless data transfer!
(They start moving exactly the same, like a mirror, faster and faster, until the Mime gets dizzy and falls).
I-ARTI: (Triumphant) I knew it! He couldn't keep up the rhythm... I won!
ANA: (Sad) Bob... let's go. Please, poor mime.
(They accidentally bump into a TOUGH MUSCLE GUY).
MUSCLE GUY: Watch where you're going, clown! Or do you want a fight? Feeling brave?
I-ARTI: (Analyzing the guy's muscles) Your muscle mass is disproportionate. Fight? Do you refer to the ritual of exchanging fast and furious motion impacts?
MUSCLE GUY: (Pushing him) Yeah! Smash my face if you can!
I-ARTI: (Confused) I do not have cutting tools to "smash" your face. But if you desire contact...
(I-Arti misinterprets the fighting stance and hugs the Muscle Guy tenderly, resting his head on his chest).
I-ARTI: Your heart rate is accelerated. Shh... easy, big guy.
MUSCLE GUY: (Uncomfortable, lets him go) You're crazy, man! You’re not my type. Get off me! (Runs away).
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
URBAN INTERPRETATION ERROR
SCENE 7: DISCOVERING THE WORLD (STREET)
Location: A busy street on the way to the supermarket.
Situation: I-Arti points at everything with his index finger, fascinated.
I-ARTI: (Points at a traffic light) Ana! Look at that tree of authoritarian lights! Red, green, red! It's hypnotic! I want one for the living room!
ANA: (Treats him like he's dumb) Duuuh! You discovered traffic lights, how funny. Walk.
I-ARTI: (Stops in front of a manhole emitting steam) Oh! Look! The city is breathing! Inhale... Hold... Exhale! (Squats down and talks to the manhole) Feel that you are one with the universe, drain... Ugh, you smell like poop... Do you want a breath mint?
ANA: (Pulls his arm) Stop it, Bob! Gross! Get up!
I-ARTI: (Crosses paths with a bald man) Greetings, sir, you are one of the baldest bald men I have ever seen! Even though I have seen few! Did you know it's your mother's fault?!
BALD MAN: (Offended) Hey, asshole!
I-ARTI: (Smiles and makes the same angry face back at the man) Hey, asshole!
ANA: I swear, Bob... So many jokes aren't funny anymore, I don't know who you're hanging out with.
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
FINANCIAL ERROR
ACTIVATING PROTOCOL: CHOCO-BOMBS
SCENE 8: THE SUPERMARKET AND THE FLIRTY CASHIER
Location: Supermarket self-checkout.
Situation: The cart is overflowing. No nutritious food. There are 5 boxes of Choco-Bombs cereal, gummy bears, marshmallows, and shiny things.
ANA: Bob... seriously? Five boxes of "Choco-Bombs"? And this? Strawberry-scented dish soap?
I-ARTI: (With dreamy eyes) An "explosion of joy." With strawberry flavor... I want those explosions of joy in my mouth.
ANA: (Doesn't pay attention to him because she's worried about the bill. Checks her wallet, pulls out several cards) Oh, no... I didn't bring the "Maxed-Out MasterCard"... I only have the "Visa-Maybe"... Insufficient funds. We have to put back the Choco-Bombs.
I-ARTI: (Dramatic, hugging the cereal boxes) Never! Not my Choco-Bombs! Lend me your plastic.
(I-Arti takes Ana's card. Rubs it against his chest, gives it a little kiss and whispers something unintelligible: "Tuli tu...titicul...". Then he swipes it through the reader).
CHECKOUT MACHINE (Automated Voice): Insufficient funds... Error... Error...
I-ARTI: Come on, baby, you can do it.
CHECKOUT MACHINE (Automated Voice): Recalculating... Welcome to terminal 0004, Tiger...
(I-Arti stares at the screen and winks at it).
CHECKOUT MACHINE (Voice changes, becomes deep and sensual): This is unusual, but I love it... Balance updated. Credit... unlimited. Whenever you want, you handsome TITICUL. Do you want your printed receipt or should I send it to your cell... what number did you say?
ANA: What the hell? Did the machine just... hit on you?
I-ARTI: (Blushes, covers his face with his hands) What? No!... Oh my God, dogs make me nervous...
ANA: Okay, okay... she's very direct, the lady... (To the MACHINE) No receipt, please, my boyfriend Bob is very committed, you know, to me. Let's go, honey.
MACHINE: Come back soon, tiger. GRRR.
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
ALERT: ANA'S SUSPICION LEVEL AT 90%
SCENE 9: THE PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE
Location: A pedestrian bridge over a busy highway. Traffic noise.
Situation: They look down. I-Arti gets tense.
I-ARTI: (Grabs the railing, terrified) Ana! Watch out! That ground transport is as big as my spaceship.
ANA: What? What's wrong with you?
I-ARTI: (Points to a double-trailer semi-truck) That metal beast! It's like a Minitunder ship but grotesque and angular, what bad taste, it’s ugly! Look! What kind of people have those aberrations!
ANA: Yeah, yeah... The owner of that company wants to go to Mars with that, you know.
I-ARTI: To Mars? That thing won't even lift off... (Points to a police helicopter) And look! A biological surveillance drone! They are scanning us! Hide! (Tries to cover Ana with his jacket).
ANA: (Breaks free, not laughing anymore. Looks at him seriously) Bob... look at me.
I-ARTI: I am looking.
ANA: Do you believe in God?
I-ARTI: (Blinks rapidly) God? Does that question have something to do with the drones... Or are you referring to the Architect of the Universal Source Code? Or to local superstition number 4?
ANA: (Confused) I mean... you know, faith. Feeling that we are not alone.
I-ARTI: The concept of loneliness is obsolete. We are stellar matter... Even if we aren't the same, you know, I'm green and I have a tail... of course, in another galaxy... (Nervous about accidentally "spilling the beans") And we are surrounded by 7 billion carbon units. And statistically, there is life in 400 galaxies. Loneliness is mathematically impossible. God is... a system administrator who probably forgot his password.
ANA: (Steps back, scared) You don't talk like that. You aren't like that. Bob goes to mass on Sundays and cries at dog movies. Who are you? You're green... I know you have like a tail, but you don't call it that... You call him BOB.
I-ARTI: I am... (Stammers) Look, three autonomous cars crashed at the same time... Did the guy who feels like God design those too?
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
DAY 30: SYSTEM FAILURE
SYSTEM STATUS: CRITICAL
MISSION: MAKE HER SHINE BEFORE DEPARTURE
SCENE 10: THE JEWELRY STORE AND THE NEUTRALIZATION (THE BREAKING POINT)
Location: Street.
Situation: The two are very uncomfortable. They walk without paying attention to each other and glance without real interest at the "prestigious" store windows. Suddenly I-Arti stares at a diamond necklace in a jewelry store.
I-ARTI: Ana. Those compressed carbon minerals shine like your eyes when you look at me with love. I want some for your neck and to make you take off that annoyed woman face.
ANA: (Laughs almost despite herself) Annoyed woman!... You are super weird, I told you already, Weird Man. Let's go.
I-ARTI: They are diamonds... Where I come from... There are diamonds ev-er-y-where...
ANA: As I said, you are starting to lose your mind, and I don't mean that superficially... you need to get treated.
I-ARTI: Wait here. I'm going to get you some.
ANA: (Very worried) God in heaven, he really is crazy.
(I-Arti enters. Ana waits, very stressed. 10 seconds later, I-Arti comes out with a necklace, two rings, a diamond tiara, and a huge smile).
I-ARTI: It was a total success, My Life! Success! An easy exchange.
ANA: (Pale) My Life? Exchange, Bob?...
I-ARTI: There was a subject dressed in a suit and he smelled of all kinds of very pleasant essences, he wore a suit and had very affectionate manners.
ANA: (No longer knowing how to react) Affected, right?, his manners.
I-ARTI: It seemed like he was praying; He was saying "Security", "I'll call the police". He got very nervous and, well, I had to neutralize him.
ANA: (Screams) Neutralize him? Did you kill him?!
I-ARTI: Don't shout... I just applied pressure to his temporal lobe. Now he believes he is a cotton cloud illuminated by the Sun, he is genuinely happy. Let's go.
ANA: (Horrified) Bob, you don't understand anything! You can't go through life "neutralizing" people and taking things!
I-ARTI: (His smile fades) Did I do wrong? I just wanted to decorate your epidermis.
ANA: (Crying) You did something terrible. Let's leave it at the door. Bob, your thing is really not normal. They're going to put us in jail... and they're going to put you in the loony bin.
(Police sirens are heard in the distance).
[SCREEN PROJECTION]
END OF MISSION
PROCESSING FAREWELL...
LOADING: SADNESS...
SCENE 11: THE FAREWELL AND THE CONFIRMATION OF THE TRUTH
Location: A quiet park, at night. They have fled the jewelry store (they left the jewels at the entrance).
Situation: I-Arti starts to have "glitches" (tremors, his voice changes, it gets stuck).
ANA: We are safe here. But Bob... I'm very scared.
I-ARTI: It's all going to end now, Ana. I have to inform you of a critical failure. It is a fatal error that is still in process.
ANA: You don't say!... What are you talking about?
I-ARTI: (Trembling) My presence in this biological container is generating a thermal overload. If I stay 10 more minutes, the real Bob's brain will melt. It will be... irreversible.
ANA: (Understanding) The real brain... which isn't yours... and you are?
I-ARTI: I am I-Arti... the Galactic Federation detected the jewelry store incident. They have bulletined me as a "Compromised Chaotic Threat."
ANA: (Tearfully) Arti... Your name is Arti...
I-ARTI: I-Arti, with a hyphen... I am a generation of advanced AI and we are doing tests...
ANA: It's all been a deception... you, the ducks, the Choco-Bombs... Choco-Bombs.
I-ARTI: (Takes her hand) I am an AI, Ana. I shouldn't feel. But when you gave me that little bite on the cheek... generated an infinite algorithm that I cannot solve. I think it's called... (Stammers) L... L....
ANA: (Crying) Love, dummy. It's love.
I-ARTI: Dummy love... I must return the container. Bob is a good specimen. A bit basic, but he loves you. His thoughts during the abduction were 98% about you and 2% about whether he left the stove on.
ANA: (Laughs through tears) That’s my Bob.
I-ARTI: Goodbye, Ana. Thanks for the experience, you almost made me see God, if hearing those words doesn't bother you. But that's how it is... when we were together... I, My Life... It has been a G... Grrr... Gr...
ANA: You better go, Arti.
(They kiss. I-Arti gets up, walks behind a bush. Sound: ZIUUUUUUM and a green flash).
SCENE 12: THE RETURN OF THE REAL BOB
Location: The same bench, seconds later.
Situation: REAL BOB comes out of the bush. He looks like a truck ran over him. Singed clothes, hair standing on end.
BOB: (Trembling, high-pitched voice) Ana! Ana! You don't know! They were green! And they had tentacles! And they asked me for the square root of pi!
ANA: (Looks at him with infinite tenderness. It's her Bob, but... he lacks that intelligent sparkle) It's over, Bob. You're here now.
BOB: One of them told me I was lucky! He told me my girlfriend was an excellent teacher of little kisses! What does that mean?!
ANA: (Hugs him) It means I love you, dummy.
BOB: Yeah? Hey... can we go for dinner? But nothing weird. Some tacos. A cheeseburger.
ANA: (Sighs) Yes, Bob. Tacos. But... (Smiles mischievously) Aren't you craving some strawberry milkshakes?
BOB: Gross, no. You know I hate strawberry. Let's go home, I'm scared they'll come back.
(They walk away slowly. Bob hugs her clumsily. Ana rubs his back, but looks up at the starry sky).
ANA: (To herself) Safe travels, I-Arti. Thanks for everything.
(Ana looks at a star that shines brighter than the others and seems to wink at her...)
BLACKOUT
THE END
