Abracadabra... I Messed Up!
by Benjamin Gavarre
Abracadabra... I Messed Up! © 2026 by
BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
gavarreunam@gmail.com
CHARACTERS:
PAULIE: A pizza delivery guy. He wants a girlfriend, but women completely ignore him.
THE WITCH: A professional spellcaster, hundreds of years old.
CLAIRE: A regular, everyday girl in flannel pajamas.
CHORUS OF WOMEN / CHORUS OF MEN: Actors who play various roles (Lady in Hair Rollers, Wall Street Executive, Construction Workers, Subway Passengers).
PROLOGUE: The Threshold
(A deserted street. An old wooden door squeezed between two modern storefronts. A handwritten neon sign reads: "PSYCHIC READINGS & AURA CLEANSINGS... Walk-ins Welcome."
PAULIE gets off his bicycle, fully geared up in his helmet and carrying the bright orange Pizza Plus delivery bag. He checks his phone, dials a number, but gets no answer.)
PAULIE:
(Still wearing the helmet and backpack, staring at his GPS)
33 Elm Street... There’s no doorbell.
(Shouting)
I’m here about the ad! I want a spiritual cleansing! Is anybody in there?!
(A WICKER BASKET is lowered from a high window. A woman with wild, frizzy hair pokes her head out.)
THE WITCH:
Take the key! And stop yelling, you’re scaring away the spirits!
(Paulie takes the key and enters. Blackout.)
SCENE 1: The Consultation
(The interior is a magical, mysterious parlor. There is a fine wooden desk and a laptop with a screensaver of a cat riding a broomstick. Bunches of medicinal herbs are scattered on the floor, alongside a smoking incense burner.)
THE WITCH:
(Without looking at him)
Are you here for a consultation, or to deliver a pizza I didn’t order?
PAULIE:
(Anxious)
I deliver food, but all I get is complaints... I brought the bag inside because I’ve already had two stolen. My life is a mess. Women ignore me. I’m like a ghost on a bicycle. I want to be loved, desired... noticed!
THE WITCH:
A textbook case of absolute desperation.
(She picks up bundles of sage, rosemary, and eucalyptus).
Take your clothes off.
(Paulie freezes in sheer terror).
THE WITCH:
Fine, you’re shy. Just take off the shirt.
(Paulie strips down to his undershirt. The Witch dances around him with the incense burner).
THE WITCH:
With sage, I open your destiny; with eucalyptus, women will hunt you down; and with rosemary... may they look at you like a trophy in a glass case! By the goddess of love, let them want him even if he’s a dork; let them lasso him in, but no weird stuff! So mote it be... It is done!
SCENE 2: Mechanism A (The Attraction)
(Fast-paced physical comedy vignettes).
1. The Apartment Door:
(Paulie rings a doorbell. A LADY IN HAIR ROLLERS answers).
PAULIE:
Pizza Plus. Can I get your delivery code?
LADY:
7, 17, 177...
PAULIE:
The code, ma'am, just to confirm the order...
LADY:
3, 6, 9, sixty-nine... Do you want me to give you my phone number too? I leave great tips... 5, 56, 57, 59...
PAULIE:
(Sweating)
Here, take it... no code, no tip needed... have a great tip, I mean night, thank you!
LADY:
(Slips her shirt off one shoulder)
Don’t you want a sweet treat? I’ve got hot chocolate!
PAULIE:
I don’t have a sweet tooth, thanks!
(Paulie flees. The woman passionately rubs the pizza box against her chest).
2. The Park:
(Three women surround Paulie’s bicycle as if it were a sacred altar).
WOMAN 1:
You have an absolutely gorgeous bicycle!...
WOMAN 2:
Get on it.
WOMAN 3:
We want to see how you grip the handlebars...
PAULIE:
I have deliveries to make... I'd love to stay...
WOMAN 1:
We’ll pay you.
WOMAN 2:
You never have to work again.
WOMAN 3:
Just come with us! Don’t leave!
(Paulie speeds off on his bike like a rocket).
3. Another Street:
(A romantic woman throws flowers at him. Two other women clutch their chests and blow him kisses... Paulie keeps pedaling, but his chain slips off. He kneels to fix it. The women from the park reappear).
WOMAN 1:
Destiny has brought us together again.
WOMAN 2:
Let us straighten your mirrors.
WOMAN 3:
Let us fix your chain.
WOMAN 1:
We’ll carry you.
WOMAN 2:
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE CALVES.
WOMAN 3:
And those thighs...
(Paulie manages to fix the bike and tries to escape, but the women block his path).
WOMAN 1:
We’re not letting you go.
WOMAN 2:
No, no, no...
PAULIE:
You’re treating me the way men treat women, and that is not okay!
WOMAN 1:
He has a point.
WOMAN 2:
It’s true, we should leave you in peace.
WOMAN 3:
But at least blow us a kiss! Tell us your name! Take us with you!
4. The Park (Park Bench):
(Paulie finds a bench in a park... He sits down and buries his face in his hands, completely overwhelmed).
PAULIE:
Oh, man, oh, man... Before, I felt ignored, mistreated, spit on, thrown off a cliff... Now I should feel great, but I feel cornered, hunted, violated... Isn't there a middle ground?!
(Loud rock music plays, then abruptly transitions to smooth elevator music).
5. The Subway (Physical Theater):
(Three actors hold invisible handrails, swaying to the motion of the train. Paulie stands in the center).
WOMAN 1:
(Sighing)
It’s him... the guy from the cover of GQ. He’s an Apollo!
WOMAN 2:
He’s a Formula 1 racer. I saw him on TikTok.
MAN 1:
(Disgusted)
He’s a fraud. Just a broke, lousy delivery guy.
MAN 2:
He belongs on the streets. He disgusts me, but I also pity him. Someone hand him a bar of soap.
WOMAN 3:
He’s a god! He’s getting off the train! We have to follow him!
PAULIE:
(Desperate)
Help! This is my stop!
SCENE 3: Frequency Adjustment
(Paulie bursts into the Witch’s parlor. He is pale, sweaty, and disheveled).
PAULIE:
It’s a nightmare! They recite poetry to me, they throw flowers, they touch me, they try to take my clothes off... Next time they’re going to eat me alive, chew me up, swallow me whole, make me disappear! I’m like a piece of meat being tossed to the lions!
THE WITCH:
Don't be dramatic. You are the true north of every compass. This is what you wanted! Now you’re somebody, everybody notices you, and every woman loves you... Except me, I’m immune.
PAULIE:
Take the spell back... Make me invisible again... Instead of attention, just make them give me money!!!
THE WITCH:
I don’t know, you might suffocate under the weight of a hundred thousand coins.
(She checks her laptop).
Everything has its loop. I’ll adjust the spell... I bookmarked a tutorial for this somewhere, hold on... Ah, here it is: "How to resolve an enchantment of lustful women"... You just have to distribute it...
PAULIE:
Don’t you mean reverse it?
THE WITCH:
Who’s the witch here, you or me?
PAULIE:
Just do whatever it is, but do it now!
SCENE 4: Mechanism B (The Surprise)
(Paulie steps out onto the street, feeling instantly lighter. He walks past a group of GIRLS).
1. Gratuitous Hatred:
GIRL 1:
What a creep! He grosses me out.
GIRL 2:
We should put a paper bag over his head. He’s an insult to humanity.
GIRL 3:
Total toxic male.
GIRL 1:
How does he even dare walk out in public?!
PAULIE:
(Thrilled)
Thank you, Lord! "They finally hate me!" "I’m safe!"
2. The Plot Twist:
(Paulie arrives at a crosswalk. A group of CONSTRUCTION WORKERS take off their hard hats as they see him).
PAULIE:
Those construction workers are staring at me... Why are they taking off their hard hats?... They’re probably going to insult me, I better just... Wait, now they’re blowing kisses? And throwing flowers?! What does that hand gesture even mean?!
WORKER 1:
What time do you get off work, handsome?
WORKER 2:
Let me buy you a protein shake... thick and frothy!
WORKER 3:
I’ll buy you a couple of eggs... and maybe a little sausage to go with it!
(Paulie slowly backs away, utterly mortified. All the workers take off their hats and stare at him with solemn admiration, like watching a beautiful sunset).
3. The Jewelry Store:
(A sleek, Wall Street EXECUTIVE steps out of a Mercedes. He walks straight toward PAULIE. He says nothing. He simply places a hand on Paulie’s shoulder and nods, a single tear rolling down his cheek).
EXECUTIVE:
I’ll buy you a penthouse. I’ll take you to the Caribbean. I’ll bring you to my country club. Just look at me... look me in the eyes and tell me you love me.
PAULIE:
(Terrified)
No! Not again! It’s the exact same thing, just backwards! Step on it, Paulie, step on it!
SCENE 5: Reversing the Spell (Again)
(Outside the parlor for the third and final time. THE WITCH leans out the window, but this time she is in a rush, frantically packing bizarre objects into a wooden trunk).
THE WITCH:
And listen closely, Paulie! This is the last time I’m helping you! My carriage to the seventeenth century is waiting outside, and I am not missing my trip over your indecisiveness!
PAULIE:
(From the street, adjusting his backpack)
Just make sure it works this time, boss. I can’t handle one more catcall.
THE WITCH:
Remember, this time you have to do your part. You will have no sexual or sensual appeal, and nobody is going to harass you on the street. No one will want you as a boyfriend, or a lover, or a friend with benefits... but I guarantee you this: you will be the center of attention. All eyes will be on you, without any physical contact, or...
PAULIE:
(Interrupting, relieved)
Yes, yes, I get it. I won't be harassed, bothered, or disturbed. But they will pay attention to me. I won’t be invisible anymore. Finally, a civilized social life!
THE WITCH:
Exactly. Everyone will want to talk to you. Everyone will want to communicate with you... It’s going to be a festival of words.
PAULIE:
(Smiling with hope)
Thank you, witch lady. Seriously, have a great trip.
THE WITCH:
I’m going back to my century. It’s way quieter there, and nobody ever asks me to "distribute" a spell.
PAULIE:
You mean reverse it.
THE WITCH:
(Indignant, leaning further out the window)
Argh! I already told you I’m the witch, you dummy!
(THE WITCH throws a handful of magic powder that engulfs Paulie in a loud, brightly colored cloud. A thunderclap sounds, and she leaps away from the window, vanishing. The neon "PSYCHIC READINGS" sign falls to the ground and shatters).
SCENE 6: Be Careful What You Wish For...
(A park bench. PAULIE is sitting alone, enjoying a silence he believes is permanent. He takes a deep breath. Suddenly, WOMAN 1 enters from the right and sits next to him without asking).
WOMAN 1:
You look so lonely, young man! And how right you are to be alone, because solitude is the mother of wisdom, even if others say it is the refuge of wicked minds.
(WOMAN 2 enters from the left and plants herself in front of them).
WOMAN 2:
Wicked, you say? Well said! Because wicked are the ogres, the Medusa, Cerberus, and that creature with horns and a tail everyone calls the devil!
(MAN 1 jogs in, stopping right next to the bench).
MAN 1:
Devil, you say? Well said! Because the devil is the one who gets inside the body and refuses to leave, and for that, you have to find a holy remedy, and call for a father!
(MAN 2 enters carrying a newspaper, joining the group and closing the circle around Paulie).
MAN 2:
Father, you say? Well said! Because the father is the provider, and the father of science is Copernicus, or perhaps Newton, who was stuck in a chair but never stopped talking!
EVERYONE:
(In unison, rhythmically)
Talking, you say? Well said! Because talking is talking for the sake of talking, The Chatterboxes is a great play, and we are never going to stop talking, talking, talking, talking!
PAULIE:
(Jumping off the bench, covering his ears)
ENOUGH! It didn’t work! I’m going to lock myself in a cave! Society is broken! I’m going to turn into a bug! I’m out of here! I'm out of here!
(He runs away in sheer panic, chased offstage by the chorus, who never stop muttering).
SCENE 7: The Vicious Circle (Finale)
(Lighting change. The front door of a normal apartment building. PAULIE approaches, walking as if he’s navigating a minefield. He holds a hot pizza box in front of him like a shield. He rings the doorbell with his elbow. CLAIRE answers the door. She is a normal, everyday girl in flannel pajamas and fuzzy slippers. She is genuine, a little shy, and smiles kindly when she sees him).
CLAIRE:
Hi! That was fast. You’re from Pizza Plus, right?
PAULIE:
(Jumping back a step, narrowing his eyes)
Depends... Who’s asking? Karma? Destiny? Or the lady with the incense?
CLAIRE:
(Laughs, a bit nervous)
Um... Claire. I ordered a pepperoni. Hey, that’s a really nice bike. And you’re sweating... looks like you work really hard. Do you want to come in for a glass of water and chat for a bit?
PAULIE:
(Quickly pulls two breadsticks out of his pocket, holding them in the shape of a cross in front of his face)
Stop right there! You can’t fool me! The witch sent you, didn’t she?!
CLAIRE:
What witch? I’m just offering you water, you look really pale.
PAULIE:
I know you’re a vision! You’re Mechanism C! The deadly trap! Where’s the hidden camera?!
CLAIRE:
(Confused, but still trying to be nice)
There are no cameras... just you, me, and the pizza. You have very expressive eyes, you know that?
PAULIE:
(Yelling, completely terrified)
I knew it! This is my punishment! You are the messenger of darkness! The ultimate succubus disguised in teddy bear pajamas!
CLAIRE:
Hey, calm down, you don't have to act like that, I just wanted...
PAULIE:
(Interrupting her, furious and highly dignified)
Oh, absolutely not! I am not falling for it! I’d rather be alone! I’d rather be invisible! Get away from me, messenger of the shadows! You know what? I'm leaving! You can stay right there, wicked woman!
(Paulie shoves the pizza box into Claire’s arms and sprints offstage in total panic. The sound of his bicycle tires screeching as he speeds away echoes through the theater.
CLAIRE is left alone center stage, hugging the warm pizza box, blinking in total confusion).
CLAIRE:
(Sighs deeply. Her tone becomes solemn, almost identical to Paulie’s in the first scene).
Here we go again. They always run away. No man ever pays attention to me. I’m like a ghost in fuzzy slippers. I want to be loved... desired... noticed!
(Shakes her head).
Good grief, this is no way to live.
(She opens the pizza box and takes a sad bite of pepperoni).
Maybe I need to find a magical cure... I heard about a lady who reads tarot cards and does aura cleansings down at 33 Elm Street... I’ll go look for her first thing tomorrow.
(Claire takes one more bite of the pizza, looking out toward the horizon with hope, chewing slowly).
SUDDEN BLACKOUT.
THE END
