Captain MacCarthy vs. The Voodoo Queens and the Diabolical Twins
By Benjamín Gavarre
Captain MacCarthy vs. The Voodoo Queens and the Diabolical Twins. © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International
(A 1970s Grindhouse Satire in Hell’s Kitchen)
In the heart of 1970s Hell's Kitchen, everyday urban life twists under the weight of police bureaucracy and bayou mysticism. This play presents a clash of forces in gritty New York City: on one side, the police power embodied by Captain MacCarthy—a delusional precinct boss obsessed with "precinct fund donations"—and his subordinate, Officer Adam; on the other, the mystic resistance of a Louisiana Voodoo bloodline, led by Mama Lucy and her daughter Eve.
Dramatis Personae
- Captain "Blackjack" MacCarthy (The Boss): Self-proclaimed "King of the Kitchen." The embodiment of NYPD corruption and megalomania. Wears a cheap polyester suit, a trench coat, aviator glasses, and carries a heavy nightstick.
- Mama Lucy (The Mother-in-Law): Voodoo matriarch originally from the swamps of New Orleans. A woman of untamed character, armed with a mojo bag and a broom.
- Eve: Mama Lucy’s daughter and Adam’s wife. A Voodoo practitioner hiding behind the facade of a 70s housewife with a bouffant hairdo. Heavily pregnant with "diabolical" twins.
- Officer Adam: A terrified beat cop trapped in perpetual panic. Wears bell-bottom trousers under his NYPD uniform.
- "Big Daddy" Scratch: The ultimate spiritual lord of the underworld and Lucy’s husband. Dresses like a 70s Times Square pimp: shiny velvet suit, open collar, and heavy gold chains.
PROLOGUE: BIG DADDY SCRATCH DEPARTS
(A rent-controlled apartment in Hell’s Kitchen, decorated with peeling psychedelic wallpaper and orange vinyl armchairs. BIG DADDY SCRATCH snaps a crocodile-skin briefcase shut. He wears aviator shades and chews on a toothpick).
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: Well, my sweet Lucy. I’m checking out. Got the annual "Hexes, Mojo, and Public Relations" convention down in the Underworld. Don’t wait up for me for the next couple of weeks.
MAMA LUCY: (Straightening his wide collar). You watch out for those succubus girls, you dirty old goat. You know if you come back smelling like cheap brimstone, you’re sleeping on the fire escape.
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Laughs). Baby, the only brimstone I like is yours. (Turns to Adam, who is trembling in the corner). Little Adam... take care of the women in this house and my unborn grandkids. If they lose a single hair while I’m gone, I’ll turn you into an ashtray. Catch ya on the flip side!
(Scratch snaps his fingers, a cheap thunder sound effect rolls, and he exits through the front door engulfed in dry-ice smoke).
SCENE 1: THE SHAKEDOWN COMES SHORT
(Adam approaches the table, covered in piles of quarters, crumpled dollar bills, and expired diner coupons. He counts them, sweating bullets).
ADAM: Eighty-five... ninety... Dammit! Nothing but expired meatloaf coupons and loose change that smells like stale pretzels. If I don’t make the quota for the Captain's "Police Benevolent Soda Fund" today, he’s gonna have me directing traffic in Times Square during a blizzard.
EVE: (Enters holding a bundle of sage, wearing a leopard-print housecoat). Don’t even sweat it, Adam. That money is cursed. I can smell the shakedowns from the kitchen. You better watch out, the egg I cleansed you with yesterday hatched with three eyes. Captain MacCarthy is gonna chew you out... I’ll brew him a blind-eye potion with some chamomile.
SCENE 2: THE "ALMIGHTY" ENTERS
(Police sirens wail outside. CAPTAIN MACCARTHY enters to a funky bassline. He takes off his aviators and looks at the table with disgust).
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: Officer Adam! What is this penny-ante garbage? I gave you control over the parking meters on 8th Avenue, and you hand me bills that look like they were used to wrap greasy pizza slices! I pulled you out of the file room, Adam. I made you a cop!
ADAM: Captain! It’s the inflation... people just want to cooperate with smiles and pats on the back now...
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: And you, Eve... (Fixes his mustache). So pretty, so mystic. Your husband owes me his badge, and you both owe me for not jacking up the rent on this apartment I scored for you. What’s for dinner? I hope it’s not those weird swamp weeds your mother eats.
SCENE 3: CLASH OF THE TITANS
(MAMA LUCY enters, sweeping the air and spitting a mouthful of cheap rum to "cleanse" the room. She bumps right into the Captain).
MAMA LUCY: Ugh! Smells like Old Spice and sweaty bureaucrat. Get out of my way, you dime-store flatfoot!
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: (Puffing his chest). What is wrong with this voodoo lady? Adam! Arrest her! Book her for disturbing the peace and resisting a traffic officer!
MAMA LUCY: Arrest this, you chocolate-soldier! (Smacks his police cap off his head). You don't run things here! Big Daddy Scratch runs this house, and while he’s gone, I’m the one wearing the pants!
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: (Grabs her wrists). Nobody touches the Captain! You’re just a tenement witch! I’ll shut down your third eye with my nightstick!
(A wild, 70s exploitation-style brawl breaks out. Lucy pulls his sideburns, the Captain tries a judo throw he saw on TV. Adam and Eve bounce around trying to separate them).
EVE: Mama, don’t poke his eyes! Captain, let go of her hair, fight like a man!
(Lucy delivers a dramatic slap. The Captain freezes, breathing heavily. He looks deeply into Lucy’s eyes. The funk bassline kicks back in).
SCENE 4: THE BEWITCHMENT
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: (With a seductive, trembling voice). Damn... you’ve got a firm hand, Mama Lucy. You’ve got... the flow.
MAMA LUCY: (Fixing her dress). And you... for a boring desk-jockey, you’ve got a bear grip that ain't half bad... I see there’s still some muscle under that polyester.
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: You are a fascinating witch... left my cheek red and my heart racing. I like your... civil disobedience.
MAMA LUCY: Well, Captain, you look like a man who enjoys being told to wash the dishes. I kinda like your style.
ADAM: (Whispering in terror to Eve). Baby! They stopped swinging... they’re giving each other those dirty movie looks. Gross!
EVE: That’s the power of the Louisiana backhand, Adam. That’s how she tames my father. Relax, we’ll save up enough protection money for our own place in the suburbs. Our very own "Earthly Paradise" with two bedrooms and a real closet.
ADAM: (Sighing, looking at the bills). But baby... what if we get kicked out of paradise for taking these bribes? You know the city is full of snakes.
EVE: (Rubbing her belly with mystic pride). We run things now, Adam. We are breeding the new humanity of Hell’s Kitchen. Cain and Abel are already kicking.
ADAM: I keep telling you, those are heavy names, Eve. Ancient tragedy names...
EVE: They are leaders' names, Adam! Why do you think they’re "diabolical"? Because they were born from dark Voodoo magic and the Original Sin of New York City: the payoff. Cain is already kicking me demanding a union job, and Abel has the soul of a suffering city worker. They will inherit the earth... or at least the toll booths on the George Washington Bridge.
SCENE 5 & EPILOGUE: THE TELEGRAM AND THE RETURN
(The lights flicker in neon colors. A yellow envelope magically floats in. Adam catches it in mid-air).
ADAM: A mystic telegram! It’s from Big Daddy Scratch!
MAMA LUCY: Read it, Adam, don’t just stand there like a mannequin.
ADAM: (Reading): "DEAR LUCY: THE CONVENTION IS DEAD BORING. BUT I MET A SHOWGIRL WHO’S AN ABSOLUTE TREAT. WE ARE AT 'THE INFERNO' CABARET CELEBRATING. CATCH YA LATER. YOURS: BIG DADDY."
(Silence. The Captain looks at Lucy, who smiles wickedly).
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: Well... looks like you’re temporarily single. Do you like men with a badge and a city pension?
MAMA LUCY: If you share those double Christmas bonuses you authorize for yourself... we might be able to do business.
EVE: Tonight, the Captain buys dinner at the dirty-water hot dog stand on the corner!
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: To the hot dog cart! Let's go, my sweet witch!
(The Captain offers his arm to Lucy. They walk to the door, but before they touch the knob... the door EXPLODES inward with fake thunder and red lights. The funk music cuts off abruptly).
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Enters dusting off his shiny suit. He carries his briefcase and a half-eaten slice of pizza). Surprise, family! Turns out the showgirl was a hologram and the convention got canceled due to a demon strike. (Looks around, sniffing the air). Smells like a cheap romance... and Old Spice.
(Scratch kicks the door shut. He slowly walks toward Captain MacCarthy, who starts sweating bullets. Adam and Eve hug each other in terror).
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Taking a bite of pizza). Look here, Lucy. I leave for three days and you’re already trying to trade me in for a glorified meter maid.
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: (Trying to use his command voice, though it cracks). Listen here, you pimp-suited civilian! I am Captain MacCarthy, King of the...!
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Raises a hand, cutting him off). Dial it down a notch, Commander. I’m Big Daddy Scratch. The man who winds the clock of the underworld. And this (points to Lucy) is my hellcat.
MAMA LUCY: (Nervous, but flirting). Oh, old man... the Captain just got a little intense over some soda fund quotas, and I was just teaching him who runs Hell's Kitchen.
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Lets out a booming laugh). Oh, man! So you like a heavy hand, Captain? Look, MacCarthy... I don’t mess with City Hall bureaucracy. But don’t gamble your pension with my wife, or I’ll turn your squad cars into pumpkins.
CAPTAIN MACCARTHY: (Swallowing hard). Alright... alright. Hell's Kitchen is a quota-free zone. Total mystic autonomy and zero shakedowns.
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Looks at Eve’s belly, which gives an exaggerated jump). And what about my grandsons? Is the smog stirring up Cain and Abel’s brimstone?
EVE: It’s the environment, daddy. Lots of envy and bad vibes in the precinct.
BIG DADDY SCRATCH: (Laughs with a voice like thunder). Oh, my Adam and Eve... founding the genesis of this mess. Just make sure you send Cain to law school so his devilry is legal, and make Abel an accountant so he can cook the books. (Turns to the Captain). And maybe the Captain here can sponsor the baptism, since he loves collecting the tithe so much!
(He slaps the Captain heavily on the back, almost knocking him over). That’s what I like. A man of the State. Adam, put those meatloaf coupons away. Lucy, pour me a black coffee, the traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge left my throat dry. And you, Captain... go fetch those hot dogs you were gonna pay for, I came back with a hell of an appetite!
(Captain MacCarthy runs out the door in a panic. Big Daddy Scratch sits at the head of the table, opens his briefcase from which green smoke pours out, and sighs as Eve’s belly jumps violently once again).
FINAL CURTAIN
Captain MacCarthy vs. The Voodoo Queens and the Diabolical Twins. © 2026 by BENJAMIN GAVARRE is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International
No hay comentarios:
Publicar un comentario