Family Dreams: A Modern Skit
by Gavarre Benjamin
® BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
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CHARACTERS:
· MAXIMILIANO EMILIANO (MAX): 17 years old. High school student, dramatic, innocent.
· MOM (TERESA): 40 years old. Practical, elegant, very informed by internet media.
· DAD (ARTHUR): 45 years old. The father, the man of the house, masculine, loving, sweet.
· SOFÍA (SOFI): 20 years old. Older sister, unfiltered and detail-oriented.
SCENE I: The Shower in the Classroom
(The stage is MAX’s room, filled with books and classic heavy metal band posters. MAXIMILIANO EMILIANO wakes up with a jolt, pale, gasping. He covers his face with both hands.)
MAX: (Shouting, choked) The desks! The coconut soap! And the Chemistry teacher!
(MOM (Teresa) enters, with a designer coffee thermos. She calmly looks at her son.)
MOM: What’s wrong, Maximiliano Emiliano? What’s so urgent that you’re making me spill the FOAM FROM MY CAPPUCCINO?
MAX: I had a dream, Mom! A terrible nightmare. I was at high school, in the classroom. And... (He shivers) I WAS TAKING A SHOWER... In my underwear.
MOM: (Sipping coffee) A shower in an inappropriate place? Classic. It means you feel vulnerable in a social judgment environment. It’s in your Social Hygiene class syllabus.
MAX: And the worst part is I kept showering so calmly, like it was nothing. And I was yelling at everyone! “Bet you don’t even notice I’m in my underwear! Don’t you see me?”
MOM: They didn’t notice?
MAX: At first, they didn’t react, but then, in my dream, their faces distorted and they started laughing under their breath, hiding it with books, and making grimaces and sounds of terror. And the teacher, who stopped being the Chemistry teacher and slowly turned into a teacher with demon eyes and ears, approached my desk and whispered to me, as I was rinsing myself off very hard: “Why don’t you just take off your underwear and spare us the mystery?”
MOM: (Sighs, sits on the edge of the bed) Oh, Maximiliano. Don’t get caught up in so many details. At your age, dreams are pure hormonal mess. Have I told you about wet dreams? Me, for example... Last night I had a dream…
MAX: (Interrupts her in a panic) No, Mom! Don’t tell me your dreams!
MOM: No, let me. It’s relevant. Last night I dreamed I was in my spinning class, but the bike wasn’t moving. And instead of pedaling, the instructor forced me to sign fifteen documents in Mandarin Chinese about a company merger. Do you know what that means?
MAX: (Staring at her) That you have a lot of pending work.
MOM: Exactly! That work stress is manifesting in my subconscious as a stationary bike that won’t move! Your dream is the same: You feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of performing well academically and meeting the expectations of teachers and students… Now, let’s talk about your future.
MAX: My future is working in a call center if you keep explaining things I don’t understand… I think instead of studying, I’m going to go live on a mountain and raise goats and rabbits!
MOM: Oh, for God’s sake, with the goats and rabbits again! Did you know they’re not related?
MAX: Yes! I’ll sell cheese. And rabbit’s feet. I’m very cunning and I’ll get rich with my goat cheese. I want goats… and rabbits!
MOM: Goats cost money, honey. And did you know that to get rabbit’s feet… you have to knock them out, those little rabbits you like so much.
MAX: Don’t talk to me like I’m still a child… I’d already thought about it… I’m going to make rabbit barbacoa and goat cheese… And when I come to this city that stinks, I’ll sell fried rabbit, rabbit’s feet, and goat cheese… The city is rotting my soul… And yes, I need the simplicity of the countryside to be happy. That’s why I dream weird things…
MOM: I’ll tell you what rots the soul, Maximiliano: a recurring dream I had at your age. I dreamed my grandmother was chasing me through the supermarket with a giant cucumber, screaming that I would never find love. The cucumber had eyes and a mouth like… like that. (She makes a strange gesture with her mouth and then puts her hand to her chest, dramatically).
MAX: (Blinking) Mom, that’s... quite specific.
MOM: And in the morning, my grandmother would ask me: “Teresa, did you buy the cucumbers for the salad yet?” Fate laughs at you, son! Don’t take this giant underwear thing so seriously. You’re only seventeen.
MAX: (Blinking) Mom, I never said they were giant, but yes, they were two sizes bigger than mine… Like the ones Dad wears...
MOM: That explains everything.
SCENE II: The Last Straw
(At that moment, the front door bursts open loudly. DAD (Arthur) and SOFÍA (Sofi), the older sister, enter. They have been listening from the doorway.)
DAD: Teresa! For God’s sake! Were you talking about Grandma’s cucumber again?
SOFI: (Advances with a mischievous smile) I think it’s time to talk about dreams, Dad. And with no holds barred, I mean, to get into context. (Condescendingly) Max, your shower dream is sweet. But we need to give it some substance.
MAX: (Shrinks, embarrassed) Sofi, shut up! You shouldn’t have been listening.
SOFI: Of course, I should have. We have to be honest. I, for example, will give my dream testimony, that is… I’m going to speak my mind about my dreams… (Everyone makes a “Please no” face) Last night I dreamed I was on top of the Angel of Independence, but the Angel was a two-scoop ice cream, and I was the spoon. And pink seagulls were screaming things at me in French. (She laughs shamelessly).
MOM: (Looks at her with disapproval) Sofi, that’s too detailed a dream.
DAD: (Getting nervous) Of course, it’s detailed! Your dreams are always too detailed. Always erotic! Always with cucumbers or ice cream angels… and… scoops!
MOM: Alright, Arthur. And what did you dream about? (With double meaning) About the stock market crash?... Ha, ha… Or, I know, the collapse of the Latin American Tower. (Softens at ARTHUR’S offended look) No? Or… About your Excel report?
DAD: No, I dreamed about a... a buffalo. In the middle of the office.
SOFI: A buffalo? Ugh. That means: Repressed aggression. That’s a classic, Daddy.
DAD: It was a buffalo, but then it turned into a young, muscular bull! ...You know… (He clears his throat) And then, I had another dream. But that one… I can’t tell you… it’s more… personal. It’s very intimate.
MOM: Arthur, please! After the cucumbers and the spoons on the Angel, spill the beans. We’re a family!
DAD: (Blushing deeply, looks around, as if a pillar were listening to him) I dreamed that... that I kissed a Man. On the cheek. Well, maybe... on the mouth. One kiss. One. (He gestures with his finger, measuring).
MOM: (Shouts) Who with, Arthur?!
DAD: I don’t know! A friend! But it was an innocent kiss! Very chaste! Like the ones the French and Muslims give each other when they greet! There’s nothing wrong with it! You tell erotic dreams and I just told about a kiss!
MAX: (Shouts, grabbing an object from the table) Liar, Dad! The innocent kiss doesn’t exist! And a kiss on the mouth is never innocent!
(MAX throws the book Lazarillo de Tormes at Dad.)
MOM: (Shouting in a high-pitched, melodramatic tone, grabbing the coffee thermos) A kiss with a friend! A kiss on the mouth? Take your innocence!
(MOM throws the thermos.)
SOFI: (Laughing hysterically, grabs the nearest cushion) The buffalo turned into a bull and the bull kissed the friend! And it was with tongue, Daddy, was it with tongue?
(SOFI throws the cushion.)
(DAD covers his head with his hands as objects thrown by Mom and Max (book, thermos, cushion) fly towards him. MAXIMILIANO EMILIANO laughs and cries at the same time, liberated by the family absurdity. SOFI laughs out loud.)
(THE END)
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